Friday, June 30, 2006

The Story of Mr Bastard & A Young Lady

Mr Bastard, again, came into my life a few days ago. He came in at a right moment. Emotionally, this is one of my worst time lately. He may get what he wants easily during such a bad time of mine. Anyway, he is just as cheap and despicable as he was 5 years ago, and most probably as he always is. I am so sorry that I have ever met such a bastard-of-bastard at the very early stage of my becoming an 'adult' (well, relatively speaking) and that of my capturing my young little dreams which were far too idealistic and unrealistic--yep, I knew and know that. Creating quite a wonderful scene, he kind of gave me hopes, but certainly cheated a young lady by breaking all those words (not to mention his loads of 'promises') from his mouth. From then on, there was hence no more hopes, nor dreams. I do not trust promises anymore since then.

You know, I never imagined he would come again and stupidly expect that I am still who I was. I have, at least, got some changes throughout the years I guess. Not sure whether the changes are good or not, I consider myself more mature in some way (again, relatively) and always look for a better inside, a better me. However, I could notice even on the phone that he is still the same. Same Cheapy; Same Despicable; Same Bad Bread; Same unlucky outdated untalented bread; and after all, Same Bastard-of-Bastard. Or, excuse me, can I simply subjectively refer him to be King of Bastard? This sounds nice to him. Damn nice.

I intended to talked and had a deal with him last night; Yet he had called unexpectedly. Well, as expected (huh, I know him), he was not willing to give me even a cent for my hours of working and those 50 thousands of words. Well, I spent my most valuable young time on doing such a shit task for, for nothing. I remember I was indeed depressed and sad at the time I knew the very end of the circumstance. But then I realised this was in fact an example of the reality and, nothing really important. 5 Years later, I reminded him my effort put. "Even typing costs"--I told him. Nonetheless, he is what he is. Shit. He mentioned I was nobody 5 years ago. Yep, obviously I was nobody; but now, I still am nobody. So what? Being nobody does not necessarily means being bullied. Maybe he is somebody in a certain circle or a certain whatever, it does not necessarily means he is a good/respectable/whatsoever guy out there. Who knows him? Who remebers him? Who cares what he did/does? This is somebody. He is just one of those guys who blows water and considers himself great or important or whatsoever in his world. Maybe. I am not sure what and how he thinks of himself. Yet I am 100% sure he is definitely good at blowing water--the best things he has been working on so far, I doubt. Well, I do not want to make any comments on the way he works for his jobs/career/living/whatsoever, I personally just fucking HATE that, OK?

He wanted the file back. He wanted the novel version back. He wanted everything back. Maybe I should not mention the wording 'back'. All was done and owned by me, not him, in this case. I can now conclude, first, he does not really teasure the version or the way the file should be used as he does not keep it; second, he does not really regard having the file/version (back) important as he is not willing to even pay for a(n) reasonable/unreasonable price for it. So why the hell should I give him my effort? I prefer keeping those 50 thousand words under my bed to giving the file to him for any possible advantages. He does not deserve it, does he? Well, he dared to come and ask like lo fung.

The call ended up with my saying "Then forget it" and my cutting off on the line FIRST. To be honest, this was what I wanted most to have happened. Please never appear again, Mr. Bastard.

Anyway, I gotta sincerely thank my buddy and Lok for pieces of advice (actually, seemed to be instructions), or even for just talking to me. And, oh, I got your card, buddy. I love it. I love lovely things. I love lovely words.I love the white tulip. I love Your Red Tulip. I love red. I love the red-eye tree frog.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

活著

世界不斷在旋轉
時光流逝
活著,在這一個年代
每人給分配空間,大概有
六個階磚的面積吧
請不要越界
她對此感到徬徨而無力
想起自己曾貪戀綿花糖與
蛀牙的關係以及
許許多多因與果的關係、母與子的關係、他與她的關係、
X與Y的關係,甚至是平面與立體的關係等,累積成了
一定的高度。因空間不足,畢竟每人只有六階磚的
空間,關係得往上發展。
她,無奈得再也站不起來了這時候
只懂扭曲在洞裡--
她獲分發的空間,她自己的世界
每天她都企圖,或嘗試,不停在逆轉和伸展
直至筋疲力竭,才扭曲,回原狀
她渴望改變自然和人為的定律,總有
這一天的,她如是告訴自己
然而,不管她怎樣奮力地逆轉--伸展--
地球公轉一次仍是365.25日
(但地球自轉速度減緩;九億年前一年有481天,每天
18小時。可惜她對天文沒有興趣。)
時間仍是一分鐘走60秒
(但2006年1月1日7時59分秒出現閏秒,一分鐘有
61秒。可惜她元旦那天沒有讀報。)
她再次感到徬徨而無力
抱著最無奈的情懷,只可以
哭,不停地哭
捉緊自己的臂彎,找不著依靠
寧願拒絕身邊所有人
繼續,活在洞裡,一個人的世界。
其實在關係向高空發展的一天,她已感到自己
不再活著

2006年6月24日
寫於谷底

此一刻

無限朵謝花。

Friday, June 23, 2006

香港好客之道

繼續發揮香港好客之道。

朋友從台灣來,同行還有五名極度活潑的男生。注意,我比他們年輕,但......要我終日energetic式的蹦蹦跳跳,sorry,我老喇。-_-"

到了蘭桂芳、星光大道、沙田馬場、山頂、喜記(吃炒蟹,正!)......

最經典是V在馬場風騷地說:「靚仔?點及得D靚馬丫!」笑到我快斷氣。可惜,在明明買中左兩隻馬(上星期六第八場七號「風雲小子」及八號「皇帝出巡」)但唔知點解會輸十幾廿蚊的情況下,我頭都大埋,當場大腦缺氧。此時,V又說:「都係靚仔緊要D,今晚都係落返老蘭......」

車,老蘭有靚仔SO你咩?!-_-"

Monday, June 12, 2006

為什麼!!!

為什麼!!!為什麼我連雜誌也給扔了?!?!??!?!!!!

有沒有誰,還留下《文學世紀》2004年11月這一期?嗚......

壞壞壞

Laptop 壞了;字典機壞了;心情壞透了。

Sunday, June 11, 2006

2005年12月31日

2005年12月31日。渴望早睡的一個晚上。
趟在床上我把燈管都關掉了
靜靜等待沈睡的一刻
窗外的氣溫可能已降至冰點
房間的暖氣,把玻璃都矇矓起來
街外倏地傳來煙火的聲音
2005年12月31日,這個城市的人都以仰角的姿態
等待和慶祝新一年的到臨
煙火的爆破,人們的歡呼,我想起,
那個平常的黑色的早上,倫敦大爆炸,
人們仍在呼叫,仍在高歌
2005年最後一個晚上,渴望早睡的一個晚上。
我趟在床上靜待沈睡的一刻,然後
幻想以怎麼樣的睡姿,迎接另一個早晨

2006年6月11日
記倫敦生活

Saturday, June 10, 2006

What we need...

又一個求救式來電。

祝諸君好運。

Thursday, June 08, 2006

溝通的障礙

前天早上
8:30。英國打來的電話。

一次又一次。我不僅要再三感激......再四、再五、再六......再N感激都不夠。

身為一個極慢熱人,我絕不會主動親近人、對人好;但對於某些熱情且疼愛我的,我會盡量發揮energetic的內在潛力(且盡量壓抑怠懶及喜歡潛水的壞習慣)。無言感激!

前天晚上
姊妹急call。以為出了什麼事。真的出晒事!

身為義氣仔女,我表示要「撐硬」姊妹。為著她打了一通長達12分鐘+45分鐘的長途電話。主要想打聽朋友A什麼時候會回來,繼而嘗試遊說對方盡快回來。要不是A的電話沒電,何止45分鐘?

前晚凌晨
3年多了。已經3年多了。這可是一段主觀上漫長而孤寂(?!)的歲月。沒有它,我不能想像日子可以怎麼過。

我已習慣了它的缺憾,並且視其種種缺憾為「正常」。面對它一次又一次的層出不窮的嶄新的衰竭,我都先是驚惶,隨即於3分鐘後淡然面對及默默接受。我對它的要求是這麼低;我對它的依賴是那麼高。都是自己的錯。

凌晨時分,一陣藍、一陣黑。我知道,是時候了。

昨天下午
本應安撫情緒低落的她。可是面對它的最終衰竭,我不得不咆哮求救!結果擾攘了一個下午。

昨天晚上
兩個心情低落的人。吃飯。討論。煩惱。再討論。但仲可以講笑笑到肚痛。

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

另一個我

我希望十年、二十年後
在一個陽光明媚的下午
兒子會為我彈一首貝多芬
而我,一邊聽樂一邊
在廚房為他準備茶點,在這午後,縱然
我從來沒有生育的打算
有沒有另一個世界另一個我,給我達成夢想?

2006年6月5日

距離

是多麼的遙遠。

Monday, June 05, 2006

聖誕夜裡的燈光

斯玲

入冬後最寒冷的夜
擁抱自己的身影我感到稍微暖和
……
窗外是被框住的風景
我幻想
你在窗外一隅凝視我的房間
並隨著四季而更換舞衣
假如時間是無盡的,在這國度裡
我們總有一天
會在框框以內重遇

窗外的風景早轉暗了,就像
時間一天比一天溜得快
秋去冬來,日短夜長
在沒有陽光的角落裡
我習慣一個人做飯
牛奶和麵包,烈酒與大麻
你說在這城市裡
就得適應生活的兩個極端

街燈亮起的時候
我可能睡著了
並錯過今年第一次下雪。六角形的
雪花甫飄落窗前的琉璃,便融掉
……
室內的暖氣開著仍是冷
我的身體隨著呼吸
在微微顫抖

凌晨時份我會醒來
對著牆角盡情哭叫又或者
背誦新認識朋友的名字
和姓氏
天花上的夜光星星總是亮不起來
有時候,躺在黑漆的房間裡
我從夢中驚醒
會害怕得閉上眼睛並且
拼命呼吸
外面偶爾傳來汽車驟去的聲音,抬頭
只見地上的雪痕交錯重疊

然後我走向長街的最深處
腦海不住回溯起昨日的謊言
我說過
每天要給你的電子郵箱添郵件
告訴你如何尋覓屬於自己的故事
然而網絡把我們連繫得繃緊
我感到窒息,
昨日的承諾,天空的星光
像後來城市的風景歿入昏黑中我甚麼也看不見

泰晤士河畔人太多了
我好想把高跟鞋都脫掉
卻又想站高一點
撫摸天空的視線
站在你面前,你就是沒有把我看見
等待煙花綻放的一刻嗎?它們都在久遠的夏天

想起許多年前
我們也在海旁相遇
煙花燃盡之後,你以沉默的眼神
探進我瞳孔上的藍色隱形眼鏡
像要向我展示一個流動著的故事。
天空幾乎是冷得發藍,
我嗅到
你手上那半支煙還沒有熄滅
或者人們先後在同一地點迷失,在這裡
誰說昨日不可以與今天重疊?

繁華大街上
人潮編織起城市的脈絡
……
聖誕夜裡的燈飾
都像電影中那點暗黃螢火
遙遙在長空中閃耀
假如你站在窗的對面
你便會看到這裡的房間
好久也沒有亮起光來


原載《月台》第二期

Sunday, June 04, 2006

徘徊迷失

陽光打落琉璃窗面
我瞇起雙眼
世界從此變得昏暗
若果世界只餘下最後一道出口
我想我會放棄逃離
寧願徘徊迷失,迷失也有它的樂趣

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
小妹有幸得大師指點,來個 version 2 !喂,埋o黎有得睇有得揀啦!

陽光打落琉璃窗面
我瞇起雙眼
世界從此變得昏暗
若果世界只餘下最後一道出口
我想我會放棄逃離
寧願徘徊迷失,跌蕩於迷失與找尋間的樂土

2006月6月7日

毋忘歷史

毋忘六四.默默支持.

http://hiradio.wordpress.com/2006/05/29/mv-714698-flower

Saturday, June 03, 2006

旅行後遺症

累。勁睡16小時。

要不是有人來看窗花,我是不會醒的。寧可睡死。